Senior year of college, injured, and realizing I wasn’t the great runner I thought I was…
I stood in the bathroom after finishing dinner that made me bloated…
And became furious at myself for eating more than I needed.
After nearly 8 years of track and field and 4 years of competing at the collegiate level, I still wasn’t as good as I wanted to be.
I wasn’t as fast as I wanted to be.
I wasn’t as lean as I wanted to be.
And now I was dealing with an injury where I couldn’t burn off as many calories as usual.
On top of that - I was studying nutrition!
I should be thinner and have a competitive advantage of using food as fuel compared to other runners!
I knew that gaining weight while injured was the last thing I needed. So I did extra abs, stuck to a strict meal plan, and drank more water to stave off my hunger.
But that night, cravings hit…and I overate...
So there in the bathroom, hating my body, desperate to be the runner I had to potential to be
… I made myself throw up.
The act of throwing up involved many emotions
Relief and accomplishment . . .
Combined with regret, shame, and disgust…
But the worst feeling of them all ….
I felt like a fraud.
I was studying to become a dietitian.
I had learned about the dangers of eating disorders, I knew how to eat healthy, I knew how to control my diet
And here I was…. Restricting my food then forcing myself to throw up after a meal.